Why are some decisions so hard to make?

Let's go deeper.  So you are ready, you feel it, and it’s time.  You know you have important decisions to make and it feels like a struggle.  Our decisions matter because they affect ourself, and they have an impact on others.  We can chose personal glory or we can choose to make a difference to others.  We can choose to be good or evil, kind or uncaring, generous or selfish.  Either way, we are free to choose.

Often making a decision means having a divided heart.  We can feel the pull between trust and suspicion, between faith and doubt, surrender and control.  It can be hard to make a decision because in choosing we are saying ‘no’ to one thing and ‘yes’ to something else.  So we find ourself in a dilemma.  It’s human nature to avoid loss and the associated pain of what we fear we will lose.  If we make a decision based on this fear, we are likely to make an unwise and hasty decision.

So how do we make good decisions?

Through the experiences and struggles of his own life, Ignatius of Loyola discovered we can listen to the language of our heart when making decisions.  With careful reflection we can find spiritual meaning from our emotions and that we can trust our experience.  When we listen to the voice of our soul we can receive the Divine guidance we are seeking for informing our decision making.

Ignatius learned that there are four truths that are crucial for making good decisions.

1. We can trust our experience
2. The Divine (God, Source) speaks to us directly
3. We can value the journey and the opportunity for discernment and reflection
4. We don’t have to be perfect to make a good decision.

The goal is not perfection, it’s progress.  We can learn to discern between the superficial and the false, and the more deeply felt notions of our destiny and soul purpose.

To make good decisions we must first be directed toward Divine Love, and to have the end goal in mind. Our end is not professional success, romantic fulfilment or self-actualisation.  Our end goal is moving closer to the experience of Divine Love in our life and our soul’s growth.  If Divine Love is our focus, God (Spirit, the Divine) will point us in the direction of our deepest desires.

Discernment is the intention of anyone who desires to do good in this world, and it's how we approach making good decisions.  Our stumbling block is our divided heart, our pride, our desire to have it all, and our ability to delude ourself.  Discernment helps us to see the obstacles, and to determine the course of action that will satisfy us.

What’s important to realise is that life is not a series of problems to be solved, but a mystery to be lived.  If we can let go of getting it right, or the need to know the answers, we are more likely to find our way through spiritually guided decision making.

The Ignatian tradition speaks of our inner conflict or dilemma for making good decisions as the dance between consolation and desolation.  More simply …. our feelings and actions that move us towards Divine Love, such as peace, serenity and joy, or those feelings that move us away from love, such as fear, confusion, doubt and anxiety. Desolation also includes pride, smugness and a total focus on the attainment of personal pleasure. Consolation feels like coming home.  Desolation feels as though we have lost our way.

Reflection on our emotions can therefore be a helpful tool for making decisions.  Daily reflection is a powerful tool to discern where we are focused and for unpacking our emotions.  When we are experiencing desolation this is not the time for making sound decisions.  The root cause of desolation is temptation that threatens to extinguish hope and belief in ourself and our ability to take appropriate action.

We can counteract periods of desolation by invoking feelings of gratitude for the abundance in our life (big or small), combined with acts of kindness and contribution toward others. It’s important in these times to stand firm against our fears that keep us bound to our stuck-ness and our addictions.

Good decision making involves -

• inner reflection
• discernment of what brings us closer or further away from Divine Love and our soul purpose
• the ability to counteract periods of desolation
• creating moments and memories of appreciation in our life
• having patience with the process (rather than hasty decision making)
• seeking support from others and
• trusting what our emotions are telling us as a result of our experiences.

With honest and heart-felt daily reflection we are able to learn from our mistakes. 
Those who ignore history are bound to repeat the past.

Five pillars of good decision making include:

1. Discernment that involves both reason and will, and the ability to listen to our emotions. The heart is where reason, will and emotions come together. As we observe our feelings we can determine how we are affected by our choices.
2. Prayerful reflection. Spending time in solitude and reflection can help us to be more aware of our feelings, and to hear the voice of our Soul.  Stillness and reflection create clarity for spiritual discernment and good decision making. 
3. Don’t act impulsively.  Whether we are feeling elated with euphoria or depressed over disappointment, it’s important to allow the heightened emotions to pass first before being tempted to make decisions when we feel bad.  Moments of desolation can be helpful indicators of what we need to be aware of before we make a good decision. Wait for a time of tranquility within, when feelings of confusion and anxiety have subsided, so you can discern what they mean.
4. Talk to a trusted person, counsellor, or specialist.  Don’t keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself.  We can get into deep trouble when we don’t tell anyone about our pain and suffering.  It’s helpful to have a sounding board.  Reaching a goal involves a relationship with others.  Good decision making is collaborative.
5. Creative use of your imagination.  This is not wishful thinking, it’s disciplined, focused reflections on our choices. Our imagination can be helpful if we feel we are not making progress.  Imagine what you would say to someone else, what it feels like to make a particular choice, and the potential outcomes.  Look back from the end of your life and imagine the result of your decisions.

It’s not about creating ‘what-if’ scenarios; it's about assessing how you make the decision you are facing now.  What values are most important to you? Are these values guiding you in your decision making?

We can make decisions in three ways:

1. We can feel absolutely clear, with conviction and we can have little doubt what we want and our direction.
2. We can rely on discernment of our emotions and whether our choice moves us towards feeling spiritually at home or further away so that we feel separated from our soul purpose.
3. Or, we can emphasise use of our intellectual facilities of reasoning and imagination. When we use mode 3 for decision making, it’s important to move forward with faith and trust that we are being Divinely guided. 
   
   

When we ask for guidance, it will be given. When we actively seek, we will find what we need.  When we knock on the doors of opportunity, these doors will be opened to us.

Decision making is not just a choice, it’s reserved for where we need to consider and embrace our deepest values for making major commitments in our life.

When making a decision using reasoning and imagination -

1. Identify the Decision to be made. The issue at stake should be practical and real, a  decision you have the right to make, and where you have the information for making an intelligent decision.
2. State the choice clearly to yourself.
3. Pray for inner freedom.  Be free to choose the option that most fully expresses your deepest self, free from personal attachments that can stand in the way.
4. Gather all the information you need - all the relevant facts (what, where, when, how much, why, etc).  Consult with others affected by the decision, listen and make note of how they feel.  Be honest and objective about the situation.
5. Reflect with honesty and consider new situations or nuances that have surfaced as a result of your reflections.
6. Make a list of all the reasons for and against each alternative and evaluate the advantages and disadvantages.  Be mindful of how each makes you feel, and determine which draws you closer to the Divine or which pulls you away.  What values and energy are required for each choice?  Which core values are more consistent with your true self?
7. Test your reasoning with your imagination.  Take the time to live out each choice and look back on the values that are most important to you.  The tool of imagination can help you to recognise feelings of consolation (moving towards peace and fulfilment) and feelings of desolation (feelings of fear and separation from your soul purpose).
8. Make a tentative decision and check in with how you feel.  Seek clarity, identify obstacles, and trust your inner guidance.
9. Finally, make the decision when you are feeling at peace, even if you are not 100% certain about it.
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It’s not unusual to hesitate at the point of making the final decision.  We can procrastinate as we wait for certainty. However it’s better to make the decision than to remain stuck and not make any progress at all.

Keep the end in mind and know it’s not about perfection, it’s about progress.

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Reference:  “What’s Your Decision? How to make choices with confidence and clarity”.
By J. Michael Sparough SJ, Jim Manney, and Tim Hipskind SJ. (Loyola Press, 2010).

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By Rebecca Gabrielle:

“The Power of Soul Loving - A Spiritual Guide to Love and Freedom”
By Rebecca Gabrielle (Balboa Press, 2019, Ch 15)
https://www.thepowerofsoulloving.com/

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#decisionmaking #discernment #reflection #choices